Left to my own devices

I know its way past time I started to embrace "adulthood," or at least some semblance of "responsibility," but the closer I come to having no choice but to accept the Grim Reality of Self-reliance, the more tempted I am to fling myself headlong into The Abyss.

Not in a "destructive/suicidal/nihilistic" kind of way, just a feeling of throwing caution to the wind, and making a last-ditch attempt to reach for the (ever elusive) Brass Ring. Consequences be dammed. I would rather fail spectacularly than meander along inconclusively.

I can't wait for this accursed house to sell. As much as its been my sanctuary throughout the years, it has also been somewhat of a prison. A womb constructed of mortar and brick. A safety net dangling under a tightrope that has always and ever been a only few inches above the tarmac.

I can't rise to the challenge until I've actually been presented with said challenge. I have no doubts in my talents, my intelligence, or my ability to adapt to and overcome any obstacle placed before me. I just need some goddamn obstacles, other than the inevitable disappointment that comes from placing faith in anyone other than myself. No offense to anyone- Lord knows, I have many Great and Solid friends, but I harbor no illusions as to who is Really, Truly, and Forever on Team Shawn.

I can count them on one hand.

With several fingers left over.

That's not me being bitter, or anything of the sort. I understand how things work. I suffer from no dearth of pals, and I dig them all. I consider myself blessed, to have so many people who I can chill with, drink with, kvetch with, and (most importantly) make Music with.

I just feel like I need to step it up a bit. I don't have much time left to sleep in, jerk off, and then go back to sleep. When the house sells, gone shall be the days of wine and roses (or, more accurately, bourbon and porn). It would be nice to already have a plan in effect. I have X amount of days to get my (metaphorical) shit together.

Big Steps shall be taken.

I may have to abandon some people/situations/scenes/whatever, but its nothing personal. Even the continents drift...