This is embarrassing...

...but I will share it with you anyway. I'm just that kind of guy.

I always use talcum powder on my "naughty bits" after a shower. It keeps my man parts cool, dry, and pleasantly fragrant. As any man will attest, nothing will fuck up an otherwise decent summer day like dealing with smelly, moist balls stuck to your inner thigh. Trust me, ladies, it's no fun.

Having run out of my usual brand (Johnson's, if you must know), I decided to change it up, live life on the edge, and try a different brand of talcum powder. Deciding on a new brand was more difficult than one would imagine (if, in fact, one spends time imagining these things-in which case, one needs a fucking hobby, pronto). Some powders feel oddly slick on the "bathing suit area," while others are just too dry and sticky.

Then, of course, there is the scent to consider. Some powders smell too "flowery" and feminine, and we can't be having the old "man junk" smelling like an FTD Pick-Me-Up Bouquet, now can we? Other brands smell too much like "baby powder," since, in fact, it's meant for use on babies. I certainly don't want my "love muscle" smelling like a freshly diapered newborn. That would just be creepy. Hot, but creepy (just kidding!!!).

So, with all of these factors to consider, I decided to buy "Gold Bond Medicated Body Powder with Triple Action Relief." The bottle states that it's "cooling, absorbing, and itch relieving." Now, I'm all about the "cooling and absorbing," but if your "uglies" are itching, you have A Problem. Skip the talcum powder, and get yo' ass to a doctor. Quickly.

Anyway, after my shower earlier this evening, I was actually looking forward to trying out my new powder. Yes, my life is indeed that empty. Clean and toweled off, I opened up the Gold Bond. It smelled pretty decent-not "girly," and yet not too "musky," or "mediciny (yes, I just made up that word-fuck you, it's my blog, and I'll create my own words if I want to)." After a liberal application of the powder, something odd happened.

Now, this is going to be hard to describe accurately. At first, everything felt fine. Then, slowly, my "nether regions" began to smoke! Just kidding. It just felt that way. Actually, everything got really warm, then immediately cool. Like the reverse of that "Icy/Hot" stuff that people use for muscle pain or arthritis.

Okay, fuck this. Listen-I'm not going to mince words with you people-we're too close for that.

My "twig and berries" felt fine. Really good, in fact. Cool and refreshed. Magical and tingly, even. That wasn't the problem.

The problem was, it felt like someone had shoved a menthol cough drop up my ass. I kid you not. Now, I've never actually had a menthol cough drop up my ass (I swear), but I'm pretty sure I now know what it would feel like. Frankly, it burns. Like a motherfucker.

Thank God I live alone, because the next few minutes of my life were spent hopping about the living room naked, cursing at the top of my lungs. Hopping and cursing. Cursing and hopping. Not behavior conducive to maintaining a good relationship with one's roommates, I would imagine. The only thing more disturbing than a grown man cursing and hopping about naked would be the same man doing so outdoors, after being evicted by his housemates.

After a few minutes the "unique sensation" subsided, and I found myself perplexed. Was it supposed to burn? The package says "Body Powder," and the instructions say "Apply freely up to 3 or 4 times daily."

It doesn't say anywhere "Avoid contact with balloon knot."

So, I read the ingredients. It does, in fact, contain menthol. IT'S SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE THAT!?! How strange. Maybe some people actually enjoy feeling like they sat on a York Peppermint Patty. Or maybe, just maybe (I can't believe I'm about to type this) I've been wiping too hard...



Ewwwww....





(I almost feel like I should apologize for that last bit, but, fuck that, you knew what you were getting in to when you logged on to this blog.)



By the way-I thought up yet another Awesome Band Name today:

CROTCH TACO

I came up with it shortly after applying the Gold Bond, since it felt like somebody had poured hot sauce on my bung. I know, there's something wrong in my head. Fuck off.