My new problem

Over the past few days, I've become somewhat addicted to Spider Solitaire.

This is troubling, since I'm bad enough as it is at budgeting my time.

Earlier this year, I taught myself how to play computer solitaire. Mock me if you will, but as a youth, I never learned how to play, even though I can remember watching my father playing solitaire (the old-fashioned way, with actual cards). I was just never very interested in it. I mean, shit, who cared about some seemingly complex and archaic card game when I had Atari? Besides, at any given moment (or so it seemed) The Muppet Show, or The Dukes of Hazzard, or Sha-Na-Na, or Happy Days, or Laverne & Shirley, or Mork & Mindy (or any number of sub-par programs that nonetheless entertained and fascinated my pre-pubescent mind) was on television. In the face of such "entertainment," what child could be bothered to give a flying fuck about solitaire?

(Am I supposed to capitalize "solitaire?" Fuck it, who cares?)

I bought my computer in the fall of 2001. Of course, it came with some built-in games, solitaire among them. I couldn't care less about that shit, I was all about downloading free porn and fucking with people in guestbooks and chatrooms. Over time, I decided to poke around my hard drive (that sounds somewhat dirty, doesn't it?) to see what kind of distractions I could discover.

Pretty much all of the built-in games sucked. Minesweeper? Boring. Pinball? Shitty. Hearts? What the fuck is "Hearts," anyway? Vaguely remembering my Pop's "Solitaire jones," I decided to give it a try. It took me a bit to figure out how to play, since my bullshit computer offered no instructions on how to play, or even what the objective was. I guess Dell assumed everyone in North America already knows how to play Solitaire (yeah, I decided to capitalize it, what's it to ya?).

Once I learned the rules, I was hooked. I know, I'm about 20 years behind the times. Solitaire was probably one of the first games ever made for the computer (aside from Pong). Don't judge me, you fucks. I got in to the habit of playing several games of Solitaire a day. It was a nice distraction while waiting for my midget clown porn to download (yes, I'm still using "dial-up," and yes, you can go fuck yourself, DSL-having bastards).

After several weeks of mastering the game (by which I mean, winning one out of every seven or eight games-I suck), I decided to check out Spider Solitaire.

Spider Solitaire is fucked up.

I got the hang of playing "One Suit: Easy," then moved on to "Two Suits: Medium." By "Medium," they mean "Will give you a fucking migrane." Especially after drinking a bunch of bourbon. At this point, I'm winning about one out of every twelve or fifteen games. I suck. Yet, I find myself fascinated by Spider Solitaire. Probably because for most of my average day, my higher brain functions are on hold. I'm usually hungover, tired, cranky, and focused on getting through the next twenty minutes of my dumb-ass job at a time. Spider Solitaire affords me the opportunity to exercise the portions of my brain that tend to lie dormant all day. Even though I suck at it.

Earlier this evening, just to really hurt my mind, I tried to play "Four Suits:Difficult." Fuck that shit. Mr. Spock would have a hard time with "Four Suits," and Vulcans don't even drink bourbon.

The point is (yes, there is a point, fucksticks), I'm spending way too much precious time playing Spider Solitaire. I should be busy rehearsing for my upcoming gigs, working on new songs, exercising, reading, writing The Great American Novel, keeping in touch with friends, perfecting the "Five-Point Exploding Heart Punch," and building a bourbon still in my backyard.

All very important things (especially the still).

Yet, I find myself returning, again and again, to Spider Solitaire. I'm fucked.




By the way, I came up with another kick-ass band name this past weekend:


"Jesus Chrysler."

C'mon, that's fuckin' funny...